Have you ever had a moment where one of your team members has made a mistake and then that mistake finds its way into your boss’s line of sight?
I have. I won’t go into detail but in summary, a client had escalated a mistake on their account directly to my boss, going above my head in the worst possible way.
I felt like an idiot when my boss asked me what was going on.
This is one of those situations where your emotions will lie to you about what matters and what to do next. Your team will occasionally make mistakes that are visible to people whose opinion you care about. Your boss. A major client. The leadership team. And when that happens, your brain will tell you this is about their performance when it’s actually mostly about your ego.
Let’s take a look at why these situations feel worse than they actually are and how best to respond to them.
Why this feels worse than it actually is (and why that matters)
Let’s start with understanding your reaction, because if you don’t recognise what’s happening, you’ll act on feelings that have nothing to do with the actual problem.
It feels like they made YOU fail
When someone on your team messes up visibly, your brain doesn’t process it as “they made a mistake.” It processes it as “I failed.”
You got promoted because you were reliable. You built your reputation on delivering. On being the person who doesn’t drop things. And now someone’s making you look unreliable by association, right when people are watching.
Except that’s not actually what’s happening. They missed a deadline or delivered poor work and that’s their mistake, not yours. But it doesn’t feel that way because as a manager, you’re measured partly on your team’s output.
The thing is, one mistake from a team member doesn’t actually make you look incompetent. Your response to it might.
The visibility multiplier
A private mistake bothers you. You address it and you move on. But a mistake in front of the CEO? In front of your biggest client? That creates something close to panic.
Why? Because your reputation feels like it’s being damaged in real-time in front of people whose opinion matters to your career.
I’ve watched managers stay calm through all sorts of problems, but the second something goes wrong in a leadership meeting or a client presentation, they lose it. The size of the actual problem hasn’t changed. The audience has.
Your brain is doing threat assessment: “The CEO now thinks I can’t manage my team. The client thinks we’re unprofessional. Everyone in that room just updated their mental model of my competence.”
Probably not though. Most of the time, they’ve already forgotten about it. You’re the only one still running the replay.
The “I would never have…” trap
Your immediate thought when someone makes a visible mistake is some version of: “I would never have missed that deadline” or “I would never have sent that deck without checking it” or “I would never have gone into that meeting unprepared.”
This comparison makes you angrier because it feels like they weren’t trying hard enough. Like they didn’t care enough. Like if they just had your standards or your work ethic, this wouldn’t have happened.
But what you’re doing here is comparing their mistake to your imagined perfect performance, not to your actual track record. I guarantee you’ve made similar mistakes. You’ve just forgotten them or minimised them in your memory.
And even if you genuinely wouldn’t have made this specific error, so what? You’re not them. They have different strengths, different weaknesses, different circumstances you might not know about.
The comparison isn’t helping you manage the situation. It’s just making you more convinced they’ve done something unforgivable.
What your ego wants you to do (and why you shouldn’t)
Let’s talk about the instinctive responses that feel absolutely right in the moment but will make everything worse.
Immediate damage control that throws them under the bus
Your ego wants you to protect your reputation immediately. So you say something like:
“I’m so sorry, [name] was supposed to have this ready” or “I apologise, this should have been caught before it got to you” or “This isn’t the standard we normally work to.”
It feels like you’re being professional. Taking ownership. Showing leadership.
Actually, you’re just distancing yourself from their work and making it clear this was their failure, not yours. And everyone in the room can tell that’s what you’re doing.
Here’s what’s worse: your team member can tell too. And now they know that when things go wrong publicly, you’ll protect yourself first and them second.
As a previous manager once said to me – “never, ever hang a junior out to dry”.
The dressing down that’s really about your feelings
After the visible mistake, your ego wants to deliver immediate, harsh feedback. You want them to know how serious this was. How it can never happen again.
What you’re actually doing is using them to process your own embarrassment and anger. The feedback isn’t about helping them improve. It’s about making yourself feel better.
They’ll hear your emotion, not your message. And they’ll remember how you made them feel, not what you said about the actual problem.
Overcorrecting with micromanagement
Your ego’s third instinct is to prevent this from ever happening again by controlling everything.
“From now on, I need to review all client presentations before they go out” or “Everything needs to go through me before it reaches the CEO” or “I want to be copied on all emails to [important stakeholder].”
You’re trying to prevent future embarrassment. You’re actually creating a bottleneck that slows everything down and signals to your entire team that you don’t trust them.
How to actually handle it (in three distinct conversations)
So, let’s talk about what you actually do. This needs to happen in stages, not all at once.
Conversation 1: The immediate situation (within 24 working hours)
This conversation is about understanding what happened, not delivering consequences.
Start with: “The [deck/presentation/deliverable] didn’t meet the standard we needed yesterday. Let’s talk about what happened.”
Not “you really dropped the ball” or “I was embarrassed in front of the CEO.” Just: this didn’t work, let’s understand why.
Then: “Walk me through what was going on from your side.”
And then you shut up and listen. Actually listen, don’t just wait for your turn to explain why their reasons aren’t good enough.
You might find out:
- They were dealing with a family emergency and didn’t feel comfortable sharing it upfront.
- They misunderstood the scope or the deadline.
- They were waiting on input from someone else that didn’t arrive.
- They made a call to prioritise something else that seemed more urgent.
None of this necessarily excuses the mistake. But it changes how you respond to it.
Finish with: “I understand [situation], and we still need to figure out how to prevent this from happening again. Let’s both think about that and talk tomorrow.”
You’re separating understanding from excusing. You’re not saying it’s fine. You’re saying you need the full picture before you decide what to do.
Conversation 2: The reflection conversation (24 to 48 hours later)
This is where you address the actual impact and problem solve together.
Name the impact clearly: “When the report wasn’t ready, it meant I couldn’t give the leadership team what they needed for their planning meeting. That affects their trust in our team’s reliability.”
Notice what you’re not saying. You’re not saying “you made me look bad” or “I was embarrassed” or “this reflects poorly on me.”
You’re focusing on the actual consequence (leadership team didn’t have what they needed) not your feelings about it.
Then: “What would you do differently next time?”
Not “here’s what you should have done” or “let me tell you where you went wrong.” Make them think through the solution.
Maybe they say: “I should have flagged earlier that I was behind” or “I should have asked for help when I got stuck” or “I should have clarified the deadline when I wasn’t sure.”
If they’re struggling, you can prompt: “What would have had to happen differently for this to be ready on time?” or “At what point did you realise it might not be done?”
End with a clear agreement: “So next time you’re working on something for [CEO/client/leadership], if you think you might miss the deadline, you’ll tell me at least 24 hours before it’s due. Even if you’re not certain yet. Agreed?”
Get explicit commitment, not just nodding.
Conversation 3: The forward looking conversation (one week later)
This is the one most managers skip. Don’t. It can also just be integrated into a one-on-one meeting rather than a separate conversation.
Check in: “How’s it been going with [type of work] since we talked?”
If they’ve course corrected, acknowledge it: “I noticed you flagged early that the client presentation was running behind. That’s exactly what we talked about. Thank you.”
This does two things. It shows you noticed their effort to change. And it reinforces the specific behaviour you want to see continue.
Then reset the relationship: “I trust you to handle [similar situation] going forward. If something like this happens again, we’ll deal with it, but I’m not going to hover.”
This is important. You need to explicitly signal that you’re not now watching their every move. Otherwise they’ll assume you’ve lost confidence in them and they’ll either become overly cautious or start looking for a new job.
When it actually IS about capability (and not just a bad day)
Sometimes your ego is telling you something legitimate.
If this is the third or fourth time this person has delivered work that isn’t ready, or missed a deadline, or made you look unprepared in front of people who matter, then this isn’t bad luck. It’s a pattern.
At that point, the conversation shifts.
Instead of “let’s talk about what happened with the presentation,” it’s: “I’m seeing a pattern where client presentations aren’t at the level they need to be. Let’s talk about what’s not working and what support you need.”
This might mean:
- They’re not actually ready for the client facing responsibilities they have.
- They need training or support you haven’t been providing.
- They’re overwhelmed and need their workload adjusted.
- They’re in the wrong role.
But even if they’re genuinely underperforming, your job still isn’t about protecting your reputation. It’s about helping them improve or making a change.
Your ego wants to make this about how their performance affects you. Your job as a manager is to make it about getting them to where they need to be or acknowledging that this role isn’t the right fit.
