Quick test. Think about the last time you gave someone difficult feedback. Did the conversation go something like this?
Step 1 – You opened with something positive (“You’ve been doing great work on the client accounts…”)
Step 2 – You slipped in the actual problem (“…although the reports have been late a few times…”)
Step 3 – You closed with something positive (“…but honestly, you’re doing brilliantly overall.”)
If so, you gave them a feedback sandwich – also known as the sh*t sandwich.
After that piece of feedback was delivered, there’s a decent chance that your team member walked away having heard only the bread.
The feedback sandwich is probably the most widely taught feedback technique in management. It’s in the books, the training courses, the LinkedIn carousels. And it survives not because it works, but because it makes us feel better about delivering it.
As you can probably tell, I’m not a fan of it – although it has some, limited uses. So let’s dive into why and what to do instead.
Why we reach for the bread
Let’s be honest about why the sandwich exists, because it’s not really about the other person.
Giving critical feedback is uncomfortable. We worry about the reaction. Will they be upset? Defensive? Will it damage our relationship? Will they think we’re harsh, unfair, “not a nice manager”?
The sandwich solves our discomfort. The praise at the start eases us into the conversation. The praise at the end lets us leave it on a warm note. We walk out feeling like we handled it well.
Meanwhile, three things have happened on their side of the conversation.
First, the important part of the message got diluted. When you wrap one piece of criticism in two pieces of praise, the maths is simple: two-thirds of what they heard was positive. People remember the beginning and end of conversations far better than the middle. It turns out that psychologists have a fancy name for this and call it the serial position effect – and you’ve deliberately put the important bit in the spot where memory is weakest.
Second, you’ve taught them not to trust your praise. Do this a few times and something corrosive happens: every time you say “you’ve been doing great work”, they brace themselves. The compliment stops being a compliment and becomes a warning flag. You’ve turned your genuine appreciation into the sound of an incoming “but”.
Third, you’ve signalled that the issue can’t be that serious. If it were, surely you’d have just said it? By cushioning it so heavily, you’ve told them it’s a footnote. So they treat it like one.
And the bit that we don’t expect is that your best people are often the worst affected. High performers are used to praise. When feedback arrives 66% wrapped in it, they file the whole conversation under “generally positive” and move on. The person you most need to hear the message is the person least likely to have heard it.
The warning signs you’ve been sandwiching
If you’re not sure whether this is you, look for these patterns.
The surprise appraisal
Someone reacts with genuine shock when an issue comes up in a formal review. “But you said I was doing well?” If feedback is landing properly throughout the year, bigger reviews / appraisals should contain zero surprises. If they don’t, the feedback you’re delivering the rest of the time isn’t landing – it’s being swallowed whole with the bread.
The flinch at praise
You open a one-to-one with something genuinely positive and you watch them tense up, waiting for the real message. That’s not sensitivity on their part. That’s pattern recognition. They’ve learned what your compliments precede.
The repeat conversation
You’re sure you’ve raised this issue before. Possibly even twice. And yet nothing has changed and they seem oddly unbothered. Before you conclude they’re ignoring you, consider the more likely explanation: they never registered it as feedback in the first place.
The scripted opener
You catch yourself hunting for something – anything – positive to open with before a difficult conversation. If you’re manufacturing the praise to serve the structure, the praise isn’t real and people can tell. Hollow praise before criticism is worse than no praise at all.
Five ways to give feedback that actually lands
Let’s move onto what to do instead. None of this requires you to become blunt, cold or “brutally honest” (a phrase that’s usually 90% brutal, 10% honest). It requires you to be clear.
1. Separate praise and criticism into different conversations
The single biggest fix. Praise on Tuesday when the praise is earned. Raise the issue on Thursday when the issue needs raising. Each message gets its own moment, its own full weight and neither contaminates the other.
This also restores the value of your praise. When “great work on that pitch” isn’t dragging a hidden agenda behind it, people can actually enjoy hearing it. That matters more than most managers realise.
2. Signpost the conversation honestly
Open by telling them what kind of conversation this is: “I want to talk about the reports being late. It’s not a huge drama, but it does need to change and I’d rather raise it now than let it build up.”
As I used to teach to my own manager – get to the punchline. Don’t dance around what you’re actually there to talk about.
No mystery, no ambush, no fishing for a positive opener. You’ve told them the topic, the seriousness level and your intent – all in two sentences. Most people are far more relaxed in a clearly-labelled difficult conversation than in a “nice chat” that keeps twitching towards something unspoken.
3. Be specific about behaviour, not character
“The last three reports came in after the Friday deadline” lands completely differently to “you’ve been a bit unreliable lately”. One describes something they did; the other describes something they *are*.
Behaviour can be changed by Thursday. The character feedback feels like a verdict. Keep your feedback at the level of specific, observable, recent behaviour and you’ll get far less defensiveness – because there’s far less to defend when you’re giving feedback about something objectively true.
4. Say the actual sentence
Before the conversation, write down the one sentence you need them to walk away having heard. Then check yourself afterwards: did you say that sentence, out loud, in words? Not implied. Not gestured at. Not “softened” into nothingness.
Managers routinely believe they’ve said things that in reality, they’ve only hinted at. “The reports have been a few days behind where I’d ideally like them” is not the same sentence as “the reports need to be in by Friday, every week”. If you wouldn’t bet money they could repeat your core message back to you, you didn’t deliver it.
5. Ask what they heard
End with: “Just so we’re on the same page, what’s your takeaway and next action from this?”
It feels slightly awkward the first time. It’s also the only reliable way to find out whether your message survived the journey from your mouth to their understanding. If what comes back is “keep up the good work, maybe tighten up the reports a bit”, you know immediately that you’ve under-delivered and you can fix it there and then rather than discovering it at appraisal time.
This isn’t about catching them out. It’s quality control on your communication.
The best managers don’t wrap difficult messages in so much padding that they disappear. They deliver them plainly, kindly, and once – because ultimately, clarity is what matters most when delivering feedback – not making your life a little bit easier in the short term.
