I’ve written a few times before about how to support your team during times when they may be struggling with personal issues or their mental health.
But what about you?
Leaders can struggle with these things to and we’re still expected to put on a brave face and show up for our team.
So, how do we actually do that when things happen such as:
- You just found out you didn’t get the promotion you’ve wanted for a year.
- A restructure means your role is changing in ways you didn’t want.
- Or the project you pitched, the one you’d spent months on, got killed in a leadership meeting.
And in twenty minutes, you have a team meeting where you need to show up as their manager. Supportive, present, focused on them.
I know how this feels. The thing that I never got told as a manager was that your team still needs you to be their manager, even when you’re processing your own disappointment. Even when you’re questioning whether you’re actually any good at this. Even when the last thing you want to do is put on a professional face and care about someone else’s problems.
The question isn’t whether you’ll struggle. You will. (sorry!)
The question is how you manage through it without either pretending everything’s fine or making your struggle become their problem to solve.
This is genuinely one of the hardest parts of leadership. You’re expected to show up and be the stable, supportive presence your team needs while you’re internally processing rejection, disappointment, or grief.
Also, there are just some days where we just don’t feel like turning up for work today. We don’t know why, maybe we slept badly or something. But we’re just not feeling it.
And unlike individual contributors who can take a day to work heads down and recover, you don’t really get that option. You have one-on-one meetings scheduled. You have team decisions waiting on you. You have people who need your input, your approval, your attention.
Today, I want to talk about why this is harder than most management advice acknowledges, what your team is actually watching for when you’re going through something and the specific things you can do to keep leading effectively even when you’re struggling.
Why this is harder than it seems (and why pretending doesn’t work)
Let’s start with what makes this so difficult in the first place.
When you’re managing others while personally struggling, you’re carrying a double burden. You’re processing your own emotions (disappointment, anger, self-doubt, grief) AND you’re responsible for maintaining the emotional environment for your team.
An individual contributor who gets bad news can take a day off without a whole team feeling the effects. It’s also easier for them to be visibly upset, to vent to colleagues and to let their performance dip a little whilst they get their head straight.
Nobody’s watching their every reaction to gauge whether everything’s okay.
You don’t have that luxury. Your team reads your energy constantly and as we’ve spoken about before, leaders are always on stage. They notice when you’re quieter than usual. They notice when your replies are shorter. They notice when you’re less engaged in meetings.
The gap between what they sense and what you’re saying creates more anxiety than the truth would.
I learned this years ago when I was dealing with a significant personal situation. I thought I was holding it together brilliantly and not showing the struggle that was going on outside of work.
One of my team members eventually said to me: “What’s wrong? You don’t seem yourself. Have I done something wrong”
That hit me hard. My attempt to protect them by staying silent had actually created the opposite effect. They were spending mental energy trying to figure out what they’d done wrong.
What your team is actually watching for
Here’s what most managers get wrong about this situation: they think that their team needs them to be completely fine. Happy, energetic, fully present, operating at 100%.
That’s not what your team actually needs or even expects from you. They know that this isn’t realistic.
Your team doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to still be present for them in the ways that matter. They need consistency in the things that make them feel secure.
I once worked with a manager who was going through a difficult personal situation (I won’t share details, but it was serious). They came to me asking whether they should take time off because they didn’t think they could “perform properly” as a manager.
We talked through what their team actually needed from them and we ended up realising that their team didn’t need them to be cheerful or high energy. They needed to know their one-on-one meetings would still happen. That feedback wouldn’t be delayed and that decisions wouldn’t get stuck.
The manager stayed working but was honest: “I’m dealing with something personal right now. It’s not about work and it’s not about you. I wanted you to know I might be quieter than usual, but nothing changes in terms of our work together.”
That was enough. The team had context for the shift in energy without having to carry the emotional weight of whatever was happening. Whilst the manager was able to feel more comfortable knowing that they’d been honest with their team but could still be there for them.
Here’s what your team is actually watching for when you’re going through something.
They’re watching whether you become erratic or unavailable
Consistency matters more than happiness. Your team can handle you being less upbeat than usual. What they struggle with is unpredictability and not knowing what to expect from you.
Here are some specific behaviours that can create anxiety in your team:
- Cancelling one-to-ones without rescheduling or with vague reasons (this is bad behaviour even if you’re feeling perfectly fine).
- Sharp or short tone in messages when that’s not your normal style.
- Withdrawing from team spaces (team chat goes quiet, you stop joining informal conversations, you decline team lunches you’d normally attend).
- Taking much longer than usual to make decisions or give feedback.
- Visible frustration that seems out of proportion to small issues.
Notice what’s not on that list: being visibly happy. Your team doesn’t need you to fake positive energy. They need you to be reliably present and consistent in how you interact with them.
They want to know if this affects them
When something’s clearly wrong with you, your team’s first question (even if they don’t ask it out loud) is: “Does this mean something bad for me?”
This is what I discovered all of those years ago when I had a difficult period at work due to personal reasons.
Is their job at risk? Is the team being restructured? Are you leaving? Did they do something wrong?
Your job is to be clear about what does and doesn’t change for them.
If your bad news doesn’t affect them (you didn’t get promoted, you’re dealing with something personal), you can say that directly: “I’m dealing with something, but it doesn’t change anything about our team or your role.”
The boundaries you need to set (with yourself and your team)
Let’s talk about what to share and what not to share.
This is where most managers either share nothing (and create anxiety) or share too much (and put their team in an uncomfortable position).
Here’s the test I use: Will this information help them do their job better, or does it just make you feel better to say it?
Here is an example of helpful information: “I want to let you know I’m dealing with something personal this week. It won’t affect our work together, but if I seem a bit quieter than usual, that’s why.”
Whereas this is an example of unhelpful information: “I’m so frustrated with senior leadership right now. The way they handled the promotion decisions was completely unfair and I’m honestly questioning whether I want to stay at this company.”
The first gives them context without burden. The second puts them in an awkward position. What are they supposed to do with that information? Agree with you and risk seeming disloyal to the company? Defend leadership and seem unsupportive of you?
When you share your frustration about leadership, budget decisions, or strategy with your team, you’re not just venting. You’re potentially undermining their confidence in the organisation and putting them in a position where they have to manage your emotions.
That’s not what a manager-report relationship should be.
There’s a middle ground between “I’m completely fine!” and “Let me tell you everything about why this is unfair.”
That middle ground is acknowledging something’s happening without making it their emotional labour.
Phrases that work well would be things like:
- “I’m working through something right now. I wanted to name it so you have context, but it’s not something you need to worry about or help me with.”
- “I’m dealing with some disappointing news. I’ll be fine and it doesn’t affect you at all. But I might need an extra day to think through some decisions this week.”
- “Something’s shifted in my role and I’m adjusting to it. That’s on me to figure out, and it doesn’t change anything about your work or our team.”
Notice what these do. They acknowledge reality (something is different) without dumping details. They give context without creating obligation.
Here’s what you absolutely need to protect: your team’s psychological safety.
Your team should never have to manage your emotions.
Some practical actions that will actually help you
Right, let’s get into the specific things you can do in the days and weeks after bad news.
1. Tell one person who isn’t on your team
You need to process this with someone. But that person shouldn’t be one of your reports.
Identify who you can actually talk through the situation with: a peer manager, a mentor, a friend outside work, a partner. Someone you can be fully honest with about how you’re feeling without worrying about the professional implications.
This is your pressure release valve. Use it. Don’t try to bottle everything up because you think that’s what professional managers do.
2. Acknowledge without explaining
If your team will notice a shift in your energy (and they will), name it briefly without diving into details as mentioned above.
You don’t need to explain what happened in detail or even justify your reaction. You’re just giving them context so the shift in your energy doesn’t create anxiety.
3. Keep your commitments to them
This is the most important one. Don’t cancel one-to-ones. Don’t delay their feedback. Don’t postpone their promotion conversation because you’re upset about yours.
If you absolutely need to reschedule something, be explicit about when: “I need to move our call from Tuesday to Thursday. We’ll still have the full time, just shifted by two days.”
Your team needs to know that your struggle doesn’t mean they stop being a priority.
I’ll be honest, there have been times when I’ve had to give feedback or have a development conversation when I really didn’t feel like I had the mental space for it. But I did it anyway because that person deserved to have their manager show up for them.
You can be struggling internally and still present externally for the 45 minutes of their one-to-one. That’s part of the job.
4. Create a buffer for your own reactions
When you’re dealing with something difficult, your tolerance for minor frustrations drops. You’re more likely to react sharply to things that wouldn’t normally bother you.
Build in buffers to account for this. For example, give yourself 24 hours before responding to non-urgent requests. Take five minutes before team meetings to reset. Don’t send messages in Slack when you’re spiralling.
I’ve learned to recognise when I’m not in the right headspace to engage. If I’m feeling reactive or negative, I’ll tell myself: “You can respond to this tomorrow.” Usually by tomorrow, the emotional charge has faded and I can respond with something more measured.
5. Be honest about capacity without over-sharing
Sometimes you genuinely don’t have the headspace for certain types of work.
It’s fine to say: “I need to move our brainstorming session to next week. I won’t be at my best for creative thinking today.”
It’s not fine to say: “I can’t think straight because I’m so angry about the promotion decision.”
The first is a professional boundary. The second is emotional dumping.
6. Know when you actually need time off
Sometimes you do need a day or a week away. That’s fine. That’s human. Taking time when you need it is better than pretending you’re fine and slowly burning out.
Just communicate it clearly: “I’m taking two days off to deal with something personal. [Name] will cover anything urgent. I’ll be back Friday and we’ll pick up our normal schedule then.”
Your team can handle you being away. They can’t handle you being physically present but mentally absent for weeks on end.
Managing through your own bad news is one of the hardest parts of leadership. You’re human and you’re allowed to struggle. You’re allowed to be disappointed, angry, or hurt.
But your team still needs you to be their manager. And here’s what I’ve learned: you can be both struggling and present at the same time.
It’s not about pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t. It’s not about being perfect or hiding all your emotions or not taking time off when you need it.
It’s about being clear on what’s yours to carry and what’s theirs to know. It’s about protecting their ability to do their work even when yours feels uncertain. It’s about showing up for them even when you’re not sure you have anything left to give.
The managers I respect most aren’t the ones who never struggled. They’re the ones who kept showing up for their teams even when they were struggling themselves.
