Pretty much every manager (and every one of you reading this!) will agree with the following statements:
- “Feedback is important.”
- “It’s part of the job.”
- “It helps people grow.”
Yet in practice, feedback is one of the most consistently avoided parts of leadership.
I know, I’ve been there myself and seen it in the managers who I’ve managed.
It’s not because managers don’t care, quite the opposite, the more someone cares, the harder it can be to deliver feedback.
And it’s not because managers don’t understand the theory, we do.
The thing is, knowing that feedback matters and actually giving it are two very different things.
There is a gap between intellectual agreement and the emotional reality of working with people. Most managers will exist in this gap for longer than they’d like. Some will never escape it.
I’ve seen the latter and it hurts them and hurts their teams. In fact, I’ve seen entire teams crumble because a single leader was unable to deliver effective feedback.
Why do managers hold back?
To put it bluntly, we find feedback hard to deliver because it involves people and their emotions. (As well as our own emotions!)
People bring emotions, history, insecurities, egos and unpredictability.
Delivering feedback against this backdrop can be scary.
Some of the most common fears underneath feedback avoidance include:
Fear of upsetting someone
Managers worry they’ll knock someone’s confidence or damage the relationship.
Fear of being misunderstood
What if it comes out wrong? What if the message lands harsher than intended?
Fear of conflict or emotional reaction
This is a big one. Tears. Defensiveness. Anger. Silence.
The uncertainty about the response that you may get can feel more threatening than the issue itself.
Uncertainty about timing and wording
Is now the right moment? Should I wait until the next one-to-one? Do I need more examples?
Wanting to be liked
Another big one. Many managers – especially newer ones – confuse being supportive with being agreeable.
I’m sure that at least a couple of these resonate with you. But that doesn’t make you a bad leader. It makes you a human one and as mentioned earlier, the fact that we are human and that we care about our team can sometimes work against us.
The thing is, if these issues are left unaddressed, these fears can start to shape your behaviours.
And in my opinion, behaviours that involve avoiding feedback are amongst the most damaging for a leader.
The consequences of avoiding or delaying feedback
Even though it can feel like avoiding feedback keeps things stable i.e. you’re not rocking the boat, it can actually have the opposite effect in the long run.
If you delay feedback or worse, avoid feedback altogether, the consequences can be:
Small issues turn into big ones
A minor behaviour becomes a pattern. A pattern becomes a problem. Something that could have been minimised has now become a much bigger issue to solve.
Resentment builds silently
Your star performers notice issues repeatedly but say nothing. Over time, frustration leaks out in tone or distance. Your star performers start to lose respect for you because they can see that you’re not dealing with problems.
Expectations become unclear
People can’t meet standards they don’t know exist. If someone delivers a piece of work that is well below your standards, then it’s harder to give feedback because you didn’t communicate these standards in advance.
Trust erodes if you delay feedback
Eventually, when feedback is delivered, the response is often:
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
Delayed feedback feels kinder in the moment and there can be legitimate reasons for delaying, But in reality, it’s often more damaging. Plus, the feedback itself isn’t the focal point of the conversation – your delay is.
Timely feedback matters just as much as the feedback itself.
This feedback avoidance tends to spike during uncertain or particularly busy periods.
When priorities are shifting, workloads are heavy, or leadership direction is unclear, managers often tell themselves:
- “I’ll wait until things settle down.”
- “I need more evidence.”
- “This might resolve itself.”
- “Now’s not the right time.”
Uncertainty amplifies the desire for perfect conditions to deliver feedback. But the truth is, there is never a perfect time to deliver difficult feedback.
In these moments, many managers mistake kindness for clarity.
They soften messages, delay conversations, or avoid them altogether. Often not realising that ambiguity creates more anxiety than honest feedback ever could.
How to reframe feedback as leadership support
A simple, yet powerful shift that managers can make is to reframe feedback as not being criticism, but being about support.
It’s shifting your language towards things like:
- “I want you to succeed.”
- “I’m invested in your growth.”
- “I care enough to be honest.”
Clear feedback is a form of respect for your team and you need to make this clear to your team. If you can do this, they’ll know that the feedback is coming from a good place because it’s designed to help them, not hurt them,
When delivered in a timely manner and with consideration, feedback can:
- Prevent issues escalating.
- Reduce anxiety.
- Build trust.
- Strengthen relationships
Reframing in this way can lead to more clarity on your intentions, making the feedback easier to hear and is far, far better than being silent.
How to use AI as a feedback preparation tool (not a crutch)
I’ve mentioned previously that AI can be a useful assistant for managers, but that I don’t see it replacing managers.
AI can be genuinely useful in reducing the emotional load before a feedback conversation, as long as it doesn’t replace the human element.
Used well, AI can help you:
Draft initial phrasing
Get thoughts out of your head and onto the page, making it easier to structure what you say to someone.
Stress-test tone
Check whether something sounds harsher or vaguer than intended by “saying” it to AI first.
Structure the conversation
Clarify the core message so that you don’t ramble or soften the message mid-sentence.
Reduce anxiety before delivery
Prepared leaders feel calmer and calm leaders give better feedback. If you’re not calm, your team members won’t be either.
The key here is that AI helps you prepare. But you still need to show up, read the room, and have the conversation yourself.
The good news: feedback gets easier with practice
One of the biggest myths about feedback is that it should always feel comfortable.
Spoiler: it will probably never feel 100% comfortable – and that’s okay.
But managers who practise feedback regularly notice something important:
- Conversations get shorter and more effective.
- Team reactions become less intense.
- Trust between you and your team increases.
- Your confidence grows.
- Feedback is actioned and improvements are actually made.
Leadership courage compounds over time.
Each honest conversation makes the next one easier, not because it’s painless, but because you’ve proven you can handle it. Your own confidence breeds more confidence as time goes on.
Trust me when I say once you’ve done a few very hard, scary conversations, the rest feel much, much easier – without you stopping the human element of caring.
