Leadership can be a strangely isolating experience.
From the outside, it can often look collaborative – a lot of meetings, conversions, people, decisions, collaborations – all of the things.
But from the inside, many managers can experience something very different – a quiet sense of being alone with the responsibility.
- You sit between your team and senior leadership.
- You’re expected to be confident, calm, and decisive.
- You’re meant to absorb pressure from above and shield the people below you from it.
At the same time, there are usually not that many places where you can think out loud safely – perhaps apart from family or friends but they may not always be the best people to speak with!
This loneliness isn’t talked about much, but it’s far more common than most leaders realise.
Why leadership loneliness is so common
When you become a manager, the usual outlets for processing work disappear. All of the things that you were able to do in your old role are no longer appropriate for you to do.
- You can’t vent downwards – your team needs reassurance, not your uncertainty.
- You can’t always vent upwards – senior leaders may be the source of the pressure, or you may be quietly judged for venting.
- And peers often fade away as roles change or workloads increase.
Add confidentiality into the mix and the circle of “safe” conversations becomes very small, very quickly.
As a result, many leaders end up in a position where they are:
- Carrying decisions alone.
- Replaying conversations in their head.
- Second-guessing themselves.
- Overthinking rather than testing ideas.
This isn’t because they aren’t competent or because they lack confidence.
It’s because they lack contextual peer support.
The hidden cost of carrying leadership alone (and how you can spot it)
Being a leader without support doesn’t usually break people in a dramatic way.
It’s something that is more likely to wear someone down quietly over time as small issues compound and take their toll.
Common signs of problems include things like:
- Decision fatigue.
- Slower judgment calls.
- Increased self-doubt.
- Emotional exhaustion disguised as competence.
- A constant sense of “I should have handled that better”.
Even the most basic parts of our roles become harder and feel heavier.
You might recognise yourself in some of these:
- You rehearse conversations repeatedly before having them.
- You avoid difficult decisions longer than necessary.
- You feel responsible for everything, even when it’s unreasonable.
- You don’t have anyone at your level to talk honestly with.
- Cancelled meetings feel like relief rather than opportunity.
This isn’t a failing on the part of the leader, it’s a structural gap that can be filled.
You’re probably unsupported. And we struggle to ask for it.
Why leaders struggle to ask for support
Many managers intellectually believe in support – but emotionally resist it. They would probably encourage their own team to get support if they spotted any of the signs above!
Yet leaders avoid asking for support because:
- They have a fear of appearing incompetent.
- They worry about being perceived as negative.
- They believe that “this is just part of the job”.
- They have a habit of self-reliance that once served them well.
Ironically, the very traits that got you promoted – independence, capability, problem-solving – can make it harder to ask for help once you’re in the role of a manager.
How to get support without breaking trust
Getting support doesn’t mean oversharing or sounding like you’re complaining. It means having appropriate spaces to think clearly. You need to look for people and spaces that can enable you to have the conversations that you need to have.
This could include things like:
- Peers at a similar level in other teams or organisations.
- Informal leadership groups.
- Mentors who understand context, not just theory i.e. they’ve been in your shoes.
- External coaches or advisors.
- Trusted former colleagues.
Whoever it is, it’s important that you feel comfortable sharing with them and that they respect the nature of what you’re sharing.
The key point isn’t about who you talk to, it’s more about ensuring that the conversation that you have with them is:
- Confidential.
- Non-judgmental.
- Grounded in reality.
This means that you can find the right support and have conversations that help fill the support gap that you’re feeling.
How to normalise leadership support
Leaders need to get to a point where support feels like a regular part of their jobs, not a crisis response. Otherwise we’ll get into an endless loop of feeling lonely and then seeking out support.
You can start to normalise leadership support by building it into your routine.
You can do this in a few ways:
- Seek perspective early – well before something has even become a problem.
- Schedule recurring meetings or calls with your support network.
- Don’t wait until you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Remember that support doesn’t weaken your leadership. It makes it stronger.
If you feel lonely in your role, it’s not because you’re doing it wrong, it’s because you’re carrying weight that was never meant to be carried alone.
The strongest leaders build networks before they’re desperate for them and they don’t wait until isolation turns into exhaustion.
You don’t need to share everything, you just need somewhere safe to think and share what you’re comfortable with.
It’ll make all the difference.
